Friday, August 22, 2008

Embarrassingly Yellow Moments in History

What a title, huh? Just what does it mean? It refers to cowardice, folks. There's a reason that cowards are referred to as 'yeller'. It matches the piss running down their legs as their bladders prove themselves unworthy under duress. These great moments in testicular abandonment are what I'm writing about. But I won't write long. I want to see what other people think are noteworthy episodes in the milksoppy annals of tail-turning pantywaists.

Now, back in 1943 Stalin had enough of the cowards in his ranks and issued Order 227, which read 'Panic makers and cowards must be liquidated on the spot. Not one step backward without orders from higher headquarters!' I love the term 'liquidated'. We won't stop you. We won't kill you. We'll LIQUIDATE you. Now that's messy. (Leave it to Stalin.)

So, come on. What are some events in history that stand out as the most cowardly acts one has ever seen? And I mean INDIVIDUAL acts of cowardice. Not Sept 11. Not WWII death camps. I want to know about situations where one person fell to the ground in a fetal position, sucked his thumb, cried out to mommy, and his failure to manage his emotions led to 5,000 Mongols to invade his village. I want to gnash my teeth at stories like that part in Shaving Ryan's Privates where the one,... oh wait, different movie. Saving Private Ryan. That one. Where the coward falls on the steps while his buddy gets shivved on the second floor.

So let's have it? Anyone?

7 comments:

Christian said...

And I nearly forgot to mention that the entire French military history does not count as an act of cowardice, though I may see some justification for the label.

Noah said...

On a broader scale, and relevant to the mutual history you and I share, the Japanese soldiers committing suicide on Okinawa as the marines pushed further inland is pretty chicken-shit. Stand up and fight.

In terms of individual or small-group cowardice...

That's tougher. History being "written by the victors" gives us lots of examples whereby one dude or a couple of dudes stood tall, whipped some ass and won a battle. But seldom do you hear of retreats that are not otherwise justified as "tactical withdrawals."

That being said, I took a class at Grand Valley called "Militarism." It was essentially the The History of Prussia. For their relatively brief history in time, they kicked lots and lots of ass. There are examples in that book of the Prussians showing up and the opposition essentially saying "aw fuck it" and leaving without shots being fired. I will try to unearth that book and find some examples.

For as much chest-puffery as is given to the Spartans and their hsitoric stand against the Persians that we all know so well as Thermopylae, their own history has some shining examples of chicken-shittery. Their own pride in being supreme athlete ass-kickers is absolutely true. They trained like beasts and spent their days working out, hitting each other and working out some more. But their own reputation as warbeasts actually kept them from engaging in some fights because if they lost, their reputation would be sullied.

They'd show up, beat their chests and say "you don't want none of this" and leave. The confused enemy would stand there, shrug, and leave as well. The Spartans would claim victory.

However, in one clash between the partans and the Athenians, the Athenians kicked their asses.

Noah said...

/ramble

Bob said...

The failure of the Democratic majority in the Senate to stand up to George Bush, which properly rewarded them with getting kicked out of power in 2004.

Granted this isn't a military confrontation. It's even more cowardly because they were protecting their political asses, not their actual lives.

Christian said...

It doesn't have to be a military act of cowardice. It could be political. It could be sports-related. Lord knows there has to be many examples of cowardice in sports.

And Smitty, find that book. It sounds interesting. But the class focused only on Prussia? Hmm. Change the title of the class.

Noah said...

But the class focused only on Prussia?

As a modern example of militarism, yes. Nazi Germany was not, by definition, a militarist society. They were a socialist society with a powerful military, but that is different. The only other true militarist society the class referred to was Sparta, but the bulk of the time was all Prussia.

Christian said...

I Googled all variations of the word 'coward' and close approximations and with every search, within the top ten results, were links to terrorism or terrorists. I also ran into references to Democrats, which I found to be interesting.

But I found next to nothing to feed my initial inquiry.